It Spins
by Brandywine421
Summary: He didn’t want to think tonight. He wanted to turn his brain off and not have the image of another woman that he cared about walking away from him." Complete.
1. 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.  
AN: One-shot immediately following_ The Rainy Day Women.

* * *

_"...it spins...  
I ain't too proud to beg sweet darlin  
don't you leave me baby don't you go  
I ain't too proud to beg sweet darlin  
don't you leave me..."  
-7 Mary 3_He didn't want to think tonight. He wanted to turn his brain off and not have the image of another woman that he cared about walking away from him. 

The rain was helping. He'd been wet so long that he didn't think he'd ever be able to get the water out of his bones. He was soaking up the cold water. He was going to be cold forever.

He wasn't enough for anyone to stay. Not his mother, not Lindsay. No one.

Marissa had stopped by, long enough to remind him how he'd left her. It was karma. He was paying for every one of his sins. He'd left Marissa for Teresa and now Lindsay was leaving him.

Chicago. Fucking Chicago.

He didn't know how long he'd been walking. He'd chained his bike to a rack down by the pier, it wasn't fun pedaling with his wet clothes. Walking was better.

And as the Cohen house came into sight, he recognized Summer's car parked in the driveway. Sandy and Kirsten weren't home. He didn't want to have to walk in and see Summer and Seth in all their melodramatic bliss right now. He needed to brood.

But as soon as he walked into the poolhouse, he knew that he couldn't stay here. He was suffocating. He needed to brood and he couldn't brood here. It was only a matter of time before Seth or Sandy or Kirsten came out to inquire about him.

He needed to get out of here. He needed to not think tonight. He changed clothes, leaving his soggy jeans and shirt in a heap by the closet. He'd clean up later. He pulled on a fresh set of jeans, boots and clean socks and topped it off with his long-sleeved black shirt. He pulled on a sweatshirt with a hood to soak up the rain before leaving the poolhouse again with his wallet and trusty fake id.

He had to revert back to Chino thinking. He had to make himself hard again. He'd gotten soft here. He wouldn't have dated a girl like Lindsay in Chino, she was out of his league. The Newport girls were too high-maintenance.

He needed to get out of his head for a while. He needed to be someone else again.

* * *

The bar closed at two a.m. and he walked out 200 dollars richer from a game of pool and with a girl twice his age on his arm. He'd fucked her in the back of her minivan, on top of discarded boxes of animal crackers and junk food. He didn't ask her name or the names of the kids on her keychain, he'd simply asked if he was hurting her before he started pounding into her. 

After he was done, she'd offered to drive him home, but he didn't want to take the chance of her being a friend of Sandy or Kirsten's so he'd refused, watching her taillights drive away as he started the walk home.

He felt better. Drunk, sure, but better. Newport was just a farce, the people here were just as dirty and 'sinful' as the people in Chino, they just had the money to dress up their vices. Even in the little bar he'd been to tonight, it was just an upper class imitation of the bars he'd been to in Chino. People selling coke in the booths instead of crack. Driving beamers instead of wrecks.

It took him a while to make his way home and Summer's car was still in the driveway. Seth's parents still weren't home so he knew that he was safe to go to bed. He didn't think he'd go to school tomorrow. He was already thinking of how he could get out of it.

Lindsay's last day at Harbor. He didn't want to be there. He'd held her and rubbed her back and told her that everything would be okay. He didn't have anything else to offer her. He didn't want to see her at school. As far as he was concerned, she was already gone.

He slammed the door to the poolhouse and flipped on the light.

"Damn, man, where the hell have you been?" Seth asked from his bed. Summer was asleep beside him, settled onto his pillow.

"Out. You waiting up?" Ryan asked. His bed was wet from where Seth and Summer had sat on it after walking through the rain.

"I was a little worried about you. Everything all right?"

"Fine. Things look better for you considering she's here and not Italy," Ryan remarked.

Seth smiled widely. "Tonight turned out to be an awesome night…"

"Why don't you take her inside and you can tell me all about it tomorrow. I'm sort of tired…" Ryan said.

Seth stood up and approached him. "Dude. What's wrong with you?" His eyes examined him. "You're drunk?"

"A little."

"And…Ryan, you don't drink. Everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. I just need to crash and your 'girlfriend' is on my bed," Ryan muttered.

"Okay, man. But you'll tell me everything, right?" Seth asked, shaking Summer awake.

"Sure. Sure, Seth. Later."

* * *

Seth woke up with a post-it on his forehead. He sat up before pulling it off and examining it. 

_Seth-had some things to take care of. Cover for me and I'll call you later. –Ryan._

He crumpled up the note and sighed. Something was going on with his brother. He'd been elated to get back together with Summer last night, but he'd known that something was bothering Ryan when he didn't come home until after three am. Drunk.

Ryan Atwood did not drink.

Seth would cover for him, though. The parentals had been going through some drama lately and he wasn't going to throw this at them yet. He didn't even know if they were home yet. Ryan and Seth had made a pact a few weeks back to stay out of their way. They'd been signing each other's permission slips and stuff so they didn't have to bother the parents. He hated seeing the tension between his mom and dad but he had faith that they'd work it out.

Just like he'd worked things out with Summer. True love always found a way and he knew that his parents loved each other.

He got dressed and hurried down to the kitchen. His parents were nowhere to be found so he snagged a bagel and started his walk to school. Summer was going to meet him in the parking lot. They had a lot to discuss. He figured he'd see Ryan at school.

It didn't take him long to walk so he sat down on the stairs leading toward the school to wait.

"Seth?" Lindsay's voice startled him from his daydream.

"Hey, Lindsay. I hear you're a bona-fide family member now. Welcome to the craziness," Seth said with a smile.

"Thanks. Did you see Ryan last night?"

"He got home pretty late. Everything okay?" Seth asked. Ryan wasn't here to give him details so Lindsay was the next best thing.

"Well, today's my last day. I was hoping to spend some time with Ryan…"

"Your last day? Where are you going?"

"Chicago. My mom has family there and I'm going with her. I…I thought a lot about it and I don't really want to leave my mother for Caleb. It's not really fair to her when she's been around for sixteen years and Caleb's only been around for a few weeks. And…I love my mom, you know?"

Seth's mind was working a mile a minute. Lindsay was moving to Chicago. Ryan was being abandoned all over again after he'd put a lot of time and emotion into their relationship. And even though he understood Lindsay needing to go with her mother, he couldn't stop himself from hating her for hurting Ryan again.

"Seth?"

"Sorry. I don't know if Ryan's here yet or not, he left before I did this morning," Seth said honestly.

"I…I know you don't believe me…but I didn't mean to hurt him. I really care about him…"

"You don't have to tell me, Lindsay. It's between you and Ryan," he said, trying to be diplomatic. "You and I, we're related now so it doesn't really matter what I think."

"Seth…do you think he's upset?"

"What do you think, Lindsay?" Seth scoffed. "I mean, really. Do you think all the times he chased after you and talked to you on the phone and kissed you that it meant nothing to him? Did you even know him?"

Lindsay's eyes filled with tears and she hurried up the stairs toward the school.

"Damn, Cohen, what'd you say to her?"

"Nothing. Let's go inside," Seth said before planting a deep kiss on her lips.

* * *

Ryan found his bike chained to the same rack and was pleased to see it intact. He'd just dropped to his knees to start unchaining it when he heard his name. 

"Ryan?"

The sun was bright in his eyes and he didn't recognize Alex until she stepped over him to block the sun.

"Alex, hey…"

"You're cutting school? What are you doing here? Isn't your dad's office right over there?"

Ryan hadn't seen Sandy's new office, he'd only heard about it in passing. He didn't even know where it was. He shrugged in response.

"Marissa said she saw you out pretty late last night. Everything all right?"

Ryan didn't want to question Alex's concern, they'd never had any reason to communicate. He shrugged.

"I'm only asking because you really look like hell. And from what I've heard, cutting class isn't really your thing."

"Thanks, Alex, I'm fine," Ryan said, finally getting his bike unlocked and standing up.

"Okay. What are you going to do the rest of the day? Marissa actually went to school for once and I'm bored," Alex said.

Ryan glanced at her for a split second. "Why are you being nice to me?"

"Why not?" Alex shrugged. "You're Marissa's friend, we should be friends, too."

"Sizing up the ex?" Ryan asked.

Alex smiled. "Exactly. Now, come on, it's almost lunchtime, and I'm feigning for a smoke."

"Smoke?" Ryan asked.

"Don't ask questions. Just walk," Alex grinned.

* * *

Marissa opened the door to her shared apartment with Alex and immediately started to choke from the smoke. Nicotine and marijuana assaulted her and she recognized Alex's giggle from the living room. 

"Alex?" She was startled to see Alex and Ryan sitting on the couch surrounded by a haze of smoke.

"Hey, Marissa. School out already?" Alex flushed.

"Yeah, it's almost five," Marissa replied.

"Five? Oh shit, I have to go…" Ryan said suddenly, sitting up.

"What are you guys doing? Have you been here all day?" Marissa asked.

"We had a little smoke-out, Ryan here, is a weed connoisseur, and even though he swears he's reformed, he can roll a joint like the best of them," Alex laughed.

"Your girlfriend really knows how to cheer a guy up," Ryan smiled as he got to his feet.

"Yeah?" Marissa was studying Ryan carefully. She'd never known him to act like this. He even seemed relaxed.

"Thanks for today, Alex. I'll see you guys around," Ryan said, hurrying out of the apartment before Marissa could even offer him any Visine.

"Oh, don't look so worried. The boy needed to cut loose. He was wound tighter than a drum when I brought him over," Alex said.

"It's just not like Ryan to cut school and get high all day. What did you guys talk about?" Marissa asked, sitting down beside her.

"Nothing, really. We joked around, traded some delinquent stories, did you know he was in juvie? That's rough, my parents never let me go to juvie," Alex snorted. "He never did tell me what was bothering him, but I know you were worried about him so I decided to take him in for the day."

"Take him in for the day? Alex, something's obviously bothering him but you decided that instead of talking about it, you'd just get him high?"

"Why are you mad?" Alex snorted.

"Because…"

"What's good enough for you isn't good enough for Ryan?" Alex snapped. "You don't want me corrupting your little white knight?"

"No, Alex, I'm just worried about him. I'm the one who drinks away her problems, not Ryan. This is way out of character for him," Marissa protested.

"Well, from what I saw today, it isn't too far out of character. You can take the boy out of Chino…"

"Shut up. It's not funny. I better call Seth…" Marissa said.

"Don't get him busted. He's a big boy, Marissa. I think he knows what he's doing," Alex said, leaning over and capturing her lips for a kiss.

* * *

Ryan was grateful to see that the driveway was empty. Seth was probably out with Summer and the Cohens were off doing whatever they did after work. He was too stoned to really deal with them. 

He still respected Sandy and Kirsten for taking him in and giving him a home, but he had to admit that he hated talking to them these days. They seemed to be going through the motions, asking the proper questions, but not really processing his answers. They had a lot on their minds but he hated the way that he'd fallen into such an unfeeling routine with them. It reminded him of his mother and the way he'd go out of his way to avoid a conversation with her.

He dropped the bike by the poolhouse and walked inside with a sigh. He needed to shower, to get the smell of smoke off him.

"Hey. I missed you today," Lindsay's voice startled him.

"Lindsay. Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked immediately.

"I've been waiting for you. I wanted to say goodbye and you didn't come to school today," she whispered. She was sitting nervously on the end of his bed.

"Sorry. I had some things to take care of…" he stammered.

"More important things than me, I guess," she sniffled, wiping tears from her face.

"No, Lindsay…" he started. He hated seeing girls cry but he seemed to be an expert at making them cry.

"I'm sorry that I'm leaving you, Ryan. I…I wish it was different, I wish that all of this was different…" Lindsay said suddenly, standing up and walking over to him. "I've never felt the way I feel about you and…this is really hard for me."

"I know, I know, Lindsay…" he responded, putting his arms around her automatically.

"I really don't want you to hate me…" she whispered, linking her hands behind him.

"I don't hate you…"

"Well, I'm leaving in a couple of hours…I was thinking that maybe we could…be together?" she whispered.

Ryan closed his eyes. A week ago, he'd have been fucking overjoyed. But not today.

"Kind of like our last hurrah?" Lindsay asked.

"I don't think so, Lindsay…" he replied. She pulled away.

"What?"

"I don't think we should," he admitted.

"But…neither one of us are virgins and I really want to…"

"You really want to," he stated flatly. "Now, the day that you're leaving, you want to have sex with me. No, Lindsay. No."

"Ryan…"

"No. We've had months together, Lindsay. Months. I'm not taking your pity fuck. I'm sorry. Excuse me," Ryan said coldly, pushing past her and going into the bathroom.

He splashed cold water on his face. His stupid hands were shaking. Lindsay fucking showing up here and saying that she wanted to spend time with him…dammit. Couldn't she see that he was already moving on? He had to forget about her, not drag out her exit.

He steadied himself and stepped out into the poolhouse again. Lindsay hadn't moved.

"I'm sorry," he said. He was sorry.

"No, you're right. It was a bad idea. Can you at least give me a hug before I leave?" Lindsay whispered.

He walked over and put his arms around her. Her hair smelled good. She smelled good. He missed her already.

"Bye. Maybe…maybe I'll email you?"

"Okay, Lindsay," he replied. "Have a safe trip."

She pulled out of his arms and left in a rush before he had to watch her cry again.

* * *

Seth walked in and found his parents in the same room for the first time in weeks. "Hi, guys. What's the special occasion?" 

"Special occasion?" His mom asked.

"You and Dad, in the same room, not glaring at each other," Seth waved his hand. "You guys are even sitting within touching distance, I'm so proud," he teased.

"It hasn't been that bad," his Dad replied.

"So, is Ryan in here?" Seth asked.

"No, he left a little while ago. Must have a hot date with Lindsay," his father answered.

Seth opened his mouth to protest but stopped himself. "Have you seen Lindsay since the test results came back?"

"No. Why, is she upset?" Kirsten asked.

"No reason," Seth shrugged. "I'll be upstairs. But this whole getting along thing, it looks good on you."

They beamed at him as he hurried up the stairs. Clueless. His parents were clueless.

Ryan hadn't called him. He'd written on the note that he would call Seth and he hadn't called.

Seth was worried. He needed to find Ryan. Time for his personal life to go on the backburner for once. His brother needed him.

Now the question was, where would Ryan be? He needed to investigate. He changed quickly and went to the poolhouse, telling his parents that he'd forgotten something and needed the car.

He searched the poolhouse and finally found Ryan's jeans from the night before. He turned the pockets out and found a wet matchbook. The bar was only a few miles away and Ryan's bike was gone.

Seth Cohen had a place to start.

* * *

Ryan was on his fourth beer and sixth shot of tequila when someone sat down across from him in the booth. 

"So. Anything you want to talk to me about?"

Seth's face was blurry and Ryan straightened up, trying to focus. He should have eaten more than cheetos at Alex's.

"Can I take you home?"

"Don't want to go home."

"Okay. How about I take you to the diner for coffee? And you can not talk to me there, what about that?" Seth asked.

"I'm fine here, Seth."

"No. You're not fine. And you know it. This isn't you…"

"Who am I, Seth? Because I really couldn't tell you anymore," he snapped. Damn, the alcohol was getting to him, he never snapped at Seth.

"Remember how shitty you felt dragging Marissa around? Are you really going to fight me on this?" Seth asked.

Ryan sighed. He finished his beer and his shot and gave Seth a nod. He didn't want Seth to have to baby-sit him. He wouldn't have come out if he'd known that Seth would be looking for him.

"Okay, man. I already put your bike in the Rover. Let's go…" Seth acted like he was going to put an arm around Ryan, but Ryan was steady. He didn't waver as he walked out of the bar into the parking lot.

Seth unlocked the passenger side door and Ryan obediently climbed in. Seth started the car moments later.

"So. What's with the drinking?" Seth asked.

"I just needed to clear my head."

"Okay. So, what's with the drinking? It doesn't exactly bring the clarity," Seth remarked.

Seth was right. And it wasn't making him forget about the mess in his life. It wasn't doing anything except making him more miserable.

"Ryan?"

"Sorry. It was stupid…"

"No, man, you have to give me more than that…" Seth lowered his voice. "I know that you don't drink so when I saw you last night, I should have known that you were upset. And then finding you at that shitty bar…I'm really worried about you, Ryan."

"I'm sorry. I…I'm over it. It won't happen again."

"Dude. What's going on?" Seth asked, urgently, as he parked the Rover in front of the diner.

"I can't just sum it up in twenty words or less, Seth…" Ryan sighed.

"I know. But will you try?" Seth asked.

"Let's go in. Did you tell your parents?" Ryan asked.

"No, man, I've got your back as long as this isn't a habit or anything. Where were you all day? You cut school, you're drunk for the second night in a row…and you didn't even tell me that Lindsay was moving to Chicago…"

"She was at the house tonight," Ryan said quietly.

"Yeah?" Seth asked, waving at the waitress to bring two coffees.

"Said she was sorry. Wanted a goodbye fuck…"

"What? Really?"

"Yeah. But I told her no. I don't want a goodbye fuck…"

"I'm sorry, man. I know…I know you really cared about her," Seth said.

"So, I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of ripping myself into pieces trying to please these girls, I'm tired of being the only one getting ditched…I'm tired of trying to have relationships and only getting screwed when they're leaving me…" Ryan said slowly.

"You went to bat with Grandpa for her…"

"I'm ready to go back to what I know. Where sex with someone doesn't mean that I'll ever have to see them again. Where throwing back a couple of beers doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic. Where cutting school doesn't mean I'm violating my probation…"

"Ah, the easy days of Chino," Seth scoffed. "What the hell are you even talking about?"

"Seth…"

"No, you're not reverting back to that, Ryan, I won't let you. You have such a good chance here, your grades are outrageous, you're on your way to a full scholarship and you…I know you're upset about Teresa, but you dodged a serious bullet. Why are you having this crisis of faith right now? Because of Lindsay?"

"I really liked her, Seth…she wasn't like Marissa…Marissa was the girl that I knew I could never have, she was beautiful and perfect…but Lindsay…she was smart and beautiful and…she liked me. She didn't date me because it made her mom angry, she didn't date me because I'm the bad boy from Chino, she dated me because she liked me. She thought I was smart and special and she didn't give a fuck about my past…but it's never enough, Seth. I'm never enough to make them stay…"

Ryan knew he'd said too much because of the stricken expression on Seth's face.

"I'm here for you, man. Anything you need. But I don't want you to flip out, okay? I couldn't handle it. We're a team. Now, drink your coffee. We have to get you sober before curfew."

"Curfew? You think your folks will be home?" Ryan asked, surprised.

"They seem to have reconciled."

"Thank god…I hung out with Alex today."

"What?" Seth asked, startled.

"She found me on the pier, invited me home. We spent the day getting wasted…"

"You were drinking all day?" Seth asked.

"Not exactly drinking…but it was nice to cut loose. She seems really nice. Not your type, though…" Ryan smiled slightly.

"What about Marissa's type?" Seth smirked.

"I don't know about all that," Ryan sighed.

"And last night…what did you do last night?"

"I hooked up with this woman down at the bar. You saw me when I got home," Ryan confessed.

"So, one-night stands and tequila shots are now a part of your repertoire?" Seth asked.

"No. You're right. I have too much to risk…"

"Ryan. What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to go home and sleep. I'm going to go to school tomorrow and turn in my homework. I'm going to take it one thing at a time," Ryan said slowly.

"Sounds like a plan. You ready?"

"Sure. Let's go."


	2. 2

_AN: So many people wanted another chapter that I had to oblige. Here's a follow-up. The next day and beyond. R-rated for a little sex, etc. _

_

* * *

_

_"...my skin can't take much more of this, she says  
you're scaling over me  
every time I wash it off, I find you underneath..."  
-7 Mary 3_

Seth watched Ryan closely the next day.

Despite his visible hangover, Ryan seemed normal to him. He laughed at Seth's jokes and got their coffee in the student lounge.

So, Seth was pretty pleased with his brotherly skills until he walked out of Harbor that afternoon and glimpsed Ryan talking to Alex outside her jeep.

"Coop's not going to like that," Summer said, joining him on the stairs.

"Why? Is she jealous? And if so, of which one?" Seth replied.

"Shut up." She laughed. "No, she told me at lunch today that Ryan spent all day yesterday getting high with Alex."

"What?"

"Just weed, but Coop's worried about Ryan, too," Summer confessed.

"Come on," Seth said, taking her hand and hurrying down the stairs to the curb.

"Hey, Seth. Summer," Alex greeted them.

"Here to pick up Marissa?" Summer asked.

"Yeah, but she's held up in the office because of her absences so it'll be a while," Alex replied.

"You ready?" Seth asked Ryan.

"I've got my bike," Ryan said. "I'll see you back at home."

"Can I, actually, talk to you a minute?" Seth asked.

Ryan shrugged and followed Seth a few steps away.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

"Talking to Alex. We're all friends, aren't we?"

"Yeah. But I didn't spend all day getting stoned with her yesterday…"

"Oh, that's what this is about?" Dude, it was just weed…" Ryan started.

"But it's not you," Seth stated. Seth smoked occasionally but Ryan had always turned it down.

"I just needed to cut loose. It's over. We talked about it, remember? Relax," Ryan replied.

"Relax?"

"Yeah. Stop worrying. Go with Summer," Ryan nodded.

"All right. We'll pow-wow later."

* * *

Ryan sighed once Seth and Summer were out of sight. Seth's concern was starting to grate on his nerves. 

"Damn, and I always thought you were the chaperone," Alex snorted.

"He busted me at a bar last night and he's been a little…weird, since," Ryan admitted.

"Aw, that's cute. So…you don't think he'd let you out for the night? Marissa's got a meeting with her lawyer and her shrink and her mom and I'm getting the hell out of dodge. There's this party in Corona and I'd appreciate some backup."

"Backup?" Ryan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. If I pass out, you won't feel me up. And vice versa," Alex replied.

"It is Friday and Seth probably will go out with Summer…sure."

"Cool. I'll pick you up at eight?"

"Cool."

* * *

Ryan waited until Summer picked up Seth to get dressed. Seth had been easily convinced that Ryan planned to stay in all night studying because of his skipped day. 

He changed into jeans and a black shirt and a new black leather jacket that Kirsten had picked out for him.

He'd just walked into the main house when the doorbell rang.

"Alex. Good to see you," Sandy was saying when he reached the front room.

"Mr. Cohen," Alex nodded with a smile.

"I'm afraid Seth's not here…"

"Actually, I'm here to pick up Ryan," Alex replied.

"I'm ready," Ryan said.

"Ryan? Okay. Are you guys…" Sandy stammered, confused.

"Oh no, Mr. Cohen, I'm seeing someone else," Alex laughed.

"Oh. You guys have fun…" Sandy said, giving Ryan a curious glance. "And be home by one."

"Sure thing," Ryan agreed, starting out the door.

"Oh, Ryan, do you have a phone?" Sandy called as an afterthought.

"I have a phone. He'll call if we're late," Alex said.

"Thanks," Sandy said, closing the door.

Ryan climbed into the jeep. "Thanks, Alex."

"No problem. We can keep each other out of trouble. I'll get you home on time, and you make sure I have a good time."

"So, who's D.D.?" Ryan asked.

"We'll stop drinking at midnight and see who's sober."

"Deal," Ryan said.

Ryan didn't hesitate to take the joint from her while she went into the store for beer.

He wasn't exactly lying to Seth, but he needed to relax and he couldn't really do that in Newport, with anyone he knew. His idea of stress relief had always been a binge or a fight or sex. And whether or not it was healthy, it was all he knew.

And he wasn't doing anything crazy, just stable partying.

He'd talked with Alex and they had enough shared bad experiences with the police and drugs that they'd agreed to party in 'moderation'.

"Let's go," Alex said, plucking the joint from his fingers and hitting it a final time before flicking it into the street as she pulled out of the parking lot.

"So, Marissa's cool with all of this?"

"A lot of these people know Jodie so she gracefully bowed out. She seemed oddly comforted that you were coming with me."

"I'm a good chaperone," Ryan smiled.

"Ouch, she needed a chaperone that bad?"

"I'm not going to talk about Marissa, that's bad karma," Ryan laughed.

"Well, she certainly talks about you. So did Seth. It's a toss up as to who was in love with you more," Alex teased.

"Fuck you," Ryan laughed.

"When I went out with you that first time, I had you pegged as a little prep, but I was way off. You blend in pretty well in Newport but I can see you haven't forgotten your roots," Alex said.

"I think sometimes we have to go back to what we know best. Newport will always be new to me," Ryan admitted.

"Here we are," Alex announced, parking the jeep with a lurch. "Grab the beer and you'll be everyone's new best friend."

* * *

Alex had just gotten her buzz when Ryan turned up at her side, holding out a cigarette. 

She knew he was Marissa's ex and she really cared about Marissa…but she had to admit that the boy was hot.

"Thanks," she said, accepting the cigarette. "How're you doing?"

"Well, that little short chick by the keg has already offered to take me home and your friend, Ginger, has offered to take you and I both home," Ryan smirked quietly.

Alex laughed.

"How about you?"

"Nice, so far. It's good to see old friends and there haven't been any brawls or cops yet…"

"Good party," Ryan nodded.

"Alex, come here!" Someone called and she patted Ryan on the shoulder before starting across the room to where she was being beckoned.

Her chest was doused in ice cold liquid before she could reach the other side of the room.

"Watch where you're going, dyke," a boy she didn't recognize snapped, holding a dripping cup.

"What the hell did you say to me?" She asked, pissed.

"You heard me, you ran right into me, I didn't know being a freak affected your eyesight," the kid snarled.

She slapped him hard, his teeth cutting his lip as his head snapped sideways.

"Bitch!" he yelled, drawing back his fist.

As she braced herself for the punch, she felt someone pull her backwards as the boy was knocked to the floor.

"You were going to hit her, punk?" Ryan hissed, punching the boy several time in the face as her friend held her arms.

The boy recovered enough to start fighting back, landing a couple of shots to Ryan's face before she broke free and pulled Ryan off.

"Let it go, man, come on," she said, pulling Ryan into the kitchen as the boy was helped up.

"Sorry," Ryan muttered, shaking off her hand and stepping away, still intense from the fight.

"It was his fault, I could've taken him," Alex said.

Ryan snorted. "What kind of fuck has to pick a fight with a chick when there are all these guys here?"

Ginger walked in. "He's gone, Alex, I'm so sorry, we don't even know who invited him."

"No, it's cool, if my little buddy here can forgive me for getting him all bruised," Alex said honestly. With the way Seth and his dad had been acting, she knew that Ryan was in for some fallout.

"Ask me in the morning," he muttered. He held up his hand and showed his bloody knuckles. "Fucker had braces."

* * *

Ryan was driving back with Alex navigating from the passenger seat. She'd lost a game of quarters and needed the time to sober up. 

He'd gotten trapped by Ginger after a bathroom break and she'd set a speed record for sucking him off, so despite the fight, he considered it a good night.

"Sorry about your face," Alex said.

"Can I tell them you punched me?" Ryan asked.

She laughed. "If it'll help."

"Thanks for taking me along."

"You're serious? You're stuck driving me home with a black eye and you're thanking me?" Alex asked.

"Yeah. It was still fun," He replied, braking as a light turned red a few miles outside of Newport.

She startled him with her kiss, her hand finding his crotch with a squeeze.

He returned her kiss automatically for a few moments before pulling away. "Wait, Alex…"

"I'm with Marissa, but you and I know how this works, it's just between us…" Alex whispered, barely disguising her slur.

"I can't Alex…" His groin disagreed with him, his cock hardening in her hand as she reached into his jeans and stroked him.

"Come on," she smiled.

"No, Alex, stop, you're drunk and we're supposed to be friends," Ryan said, forcing himself to pull her hand off him.

"You really are a chaperone," she snapped. He adjusted his pants and pulled onto the road again. "Afraid I'll compare notes with Marissa?"

"I never fucked Marissa," he replied, the alcohol heightening his anger. He lit a cigarette and tried to ignore the discomfort from his hard-on.

"What? Go, you have some kind of restraint. You'll take a blowjob from the local tramp but you won't even fuck somebody you love?" Alex snorted.

"Shut up, Alex."

"I offer you a no-strings fuck and you shut me down…" she started again.

"Shut up, Alex," he snapped, his voice cold and silencing her instantly. "I care about Marissa and she fucking cares about you. I'm not going to be the reason she flips out again. There's got to be a fucking line."

Alex was silent as he parked the jeep with a screech at the end of the driveway.

"Are you cool to drive home?" he asked, stepping out.

She nodded and he turned away, pissed.

"Ryan…"

"Thanks for the party, Alex," he said, walking up the driveway. He bypassed the house, walking around the edge toward the poolhouse.

"Hey, kid. You're late." Sandy's voice startled him from the back door.

He glanced at his watch. 10 after one. "Sorry, Sandy."

"So. You're hanging out with Alex now?"

"Yeah."

"Who's she dating?" Sandy met him by the poolhouse doors and followed him inside.

"Um, Marissa." Ryan was uncomfortable with Sandy's questioning. It'd been a while.

"Oh. Really? Oh…"

"Weird. But she's nice."

"What happened to your face?" Sandy asked.

"Honestly? Some kid called her a name and she smacked him. I took a couple of punches meant for her," he replied, turning and trying to judge Sandy's response.

Sandy simply nodded. "Drinking?"

"No. I had a couple of cigarettes, though," he lied.

Sandy studied him. After a long moment, he patted Ryan on the back. "Okay. You're an awful liar so I believe you. Don't be late again, okay?"

"I won't."

* * *

Seth woke up to the sound of bells. 

The doorbell.

He hurried downstairs, pulling his robe on over his boxers and t-shirt.

He hadn't gotten home until 3 and his dad had been waiting. Apparently since his dad made up with his mom, he was back on 'dad patrol'.

"Alex?" Seth blinked, surprised. "Why are you here so early?"

"It's three o'clock. Is Ryan here?"

"You woke me up, he should be around, though. What do you want with him?" Seth asked.

"You haven't seen him today?"

Seth was watching her closely. She looked…guilty. "No."

"He came with me to a party last night. Took a couple of hard knocks in my defense."

"You took him to a party? He didn't tell me…"

"Chill, it was all my idea, why are you such a momma hen over him anyway? He's a grown man," Alex said.

"Because he's not like this anymore, the parties and the punching of the head, he's changed," Seth explained.

"Well, I don't know what you're talking about. He seems to be a pretty nice guy in either atmosphere," she replied. "So, can I see him?"

"Um, yeah, poolhouse. I'll show you," Seth said. He needed to talk to Ryan, too. Make sure that this all wasn't the start of some sort of breakdown, Chino style.

"Thanks. He was really cool last night and I was, kind of, a bitch."

"So, did you hit him?" Seth asked.

She shoved him as they walked onto the patio. "No, stupid. Where are we going?"

"Ryan lives in the poolhouse," Seth said, knocking on the door but not waiting for an answer, swinging it open.

"Seth." Ryan was buried under the covers. "Too early."

"Alex is here to see you," Seth announced.

"Still too early," he murmured.

"Can we talk, man?" Alex called.

The phone rang and Ryan's hand appeared, fumbling for the phone and then pulling it under the covers with him. "Hello?"

"You want some coffee? He's not a good morning person," Seth told Alex.

Ryan's muffled voice was resigned. "Of course I knew it was you, Lindsay."

"Sure," Alex sighed."

* * *

Ryan showered and changed, his right eye bruised and swollen. 

Lindsay had arrived in Chicago safely and wanted to make sure he had her number.

He'd kept the conversation short, not wanting to reopen the recent wounds.

He'd never see her again, he didn't care if he came off cold. Maybe if she hated him then she'd stop calling and he could just file her away.

And now he had to face up to the music. Seth's accusatory disappointment and whatever the hell Alex had to say.

But that was always part of the risk. Consequences. He'd gone to the party, he'd gotten wasted and he'd fucked up.

He ran a hand through his hair and went into the house.

"Morning. That looks painful," Seth winced as he held out a coffee cup.

"Thank. And it's fine," Ryan shrugged, accepting the cup.

"Sorry, man. Are you grounded like Seth?" Alex asked.

"Actually, no. You're grounded?" Ryan asked Seth, avoiding Alex's gaze.

"Yeah. Fell asleep at Summer's and caught the wrath of Dad," Seth admitted.

"I was only 10 minutes late so he lectured me and let me off," Ryan replied.

"Can we talk?" Alex asked.

Seth looked at him. "She's pretty anxious to apologize. Are you sure she didn't hit you?"

"Nah," Ryan shrugged.

"Get out. Go get dressed, you look like a slob," Alex told Seth.

"Do we need a pow-wow?" Seth asked Ryan, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't have much choice, do I?" Ryan sighed.

"I'll come see you after I'm clean," Seth said. "Always good to see you, Alex."

She gave him the finger as he left.

"So. Hey," she said, nervous now that they were alone.

"Hey. We better go outside, the walls have ears in here," Ryan said, taking his coffee with him as they stepped outside.

"I'm sorry about last night. I was drunk and…"

"You were drunk. It's forgotten," he said.

She didn't believe him. "Damn."

"I'm serious," he said, wanting it all to be forgotten.

"But we can never hang out again. That was the 'damn' part. You're the most fun I've had since I met Marissa and I ruined it with a little horny moment."

"Alex. I don't think you should tell Marissa. It's forgotten. It was a stupid mistake and it's completely between us. You don't tell anyone that I went out and got wasted and I won't tell anyone that you get horny when you drink tequila," Ryan said.

"Really?" She stepped closer. "And we can still be buds?"

"Yeah," Ryan said, relieved. Alex seemed sincere and he respected her apology.

She gave him a chaste hug.

"As long as you keep your hands above the waist," he whispered and she laughed, releasing him.

"Thanks, Ryan."

"Take care of Marissa, okay, Alex?"

"I'll try. You're a good friend, man. Marissa's lucky to have you," she said, leaving.

* * *

Sandy was making dinner when Seth came down. "Hey, kid. So. You're back with Summer?" It seemed like forever since his dad had tried to talk to him. 

"Yeah. Persistence pays off sometimes. I really did fall asleep, Dad," Seth said, sitting down.

"I believe you. But you were two hours late and you didn't call…"

"When's the last time you and mom really paid attention to curfew?" Seth sighed, trying not to sound too antagonistic, but wanting to get out of his grounding.

"What?"

"You guys have both been out past 2 and 3 am for weeks now, you wouldn't have known what time we got in," Seth replied honestly.

His dad seemed startled.

"This was the first time I've been late in weeks, Dad. I swear."

"You swear," his father repeated.

"I fell asleep. I swear," Seth nodded.

"Okay. You're off the hook but that's your only parental guilt free pass, okay?"

"Fine."

"So, what's up with Ryan? He's asleep and I haven't seen Lindsay around."

"Well, Lindsay moved to Chicago, she decided she was better off with Renee," Seth said slowly.

"What? Ryan hasn't said anything, when did she leave?"

"Tuesday or Wednesday," Seth admitted.

"Kirsten must not know. Is he upset?"

"Yeah. Definitely in full brood."

"Is Alex someone he should be hanging out with?" his dad asked.

"She's his friend," Seth replied, shrugging.

"Marissa's friend, too, from what I hear."

"Yeah. That's weird, but true," Seth smirked, surprised that his dad was caught up on that tidbit of gossip.

"Newport never gets boring. Go get Ryan for dinner. I want to talk to the kid about Lindsay before your mother gets home."

* * *

"Seth. Give us a few minutes, please," Sandy said when his son returned with Ryan. 

"Am I in trouble again?" Ryan asked, sitting down at the counter.

"I hope not. Lindsay's in Chicago?"

"I have her number if Kirsten wants it," Ryan said.

Sandy had a bad feeling. Looking at Ryan made him remember the bruised kid from juvie that didn't trust anyone. Sandy had only worked on Rebecca's case for a few weeks but he could see the effects on his family.

"I'm sorry, Ryan."

"I thought you'd be relieved," Ryan said quietly.

"What? Why?"

"You told me not to pursue her. It caused so much family drama, I mean, I gave Caleb a heart attack, and none of that would have happened if I'd stayed away like you said," Ryan stated.

"Oh, Ryan, I never meant to come off like that. Lindsay was a great girl, you were great together…" he started.

"Don't patronize me, please. Like you ever saw us together. Like you ever even talked to her. Don't. She's gone and all that's in the past," Ryan said sharply.

"Ryan, I've been busy these past few weeks but I know that you cared about her. It was nice to see you happy for once…"

Ryan's eyes flashed. "You've never seen me happy¸ Sandy. Can I be excused now?"

"Why are you so angry with me?" Sandy whispered, startled.

"I'm not. I'm sorry. You haven't done anything, I'm just tired," Ryan said automatically.

"Hi, guys. Dinner ready yet? I brought dessert," Kirsten announced, carrying several grocery bags into the room.

"Almost," Sandy smiled, accepting her kiss.

"I'll get Seth," Ryan said, disappearing.

"Smells good. Did I interrupt?"

"Did you know that Lindsay moved to Chicago this week?"

"What?" Kirsten was visibly affected.

"Seth told me today. And Ryan's upset. Angry, almost. He usually talks to me, but I think I might've lost him when I almost lost you," he admitted, embracing her.

"We won't lose him. Poor kid. I think they really cared about each other."

"Ryan said something about giving Caleb his heart attack. What did he have to do with that?"

"He was here when Dad collapsed. We were having dinner with Lindsay, trying to help them reconcile and Dad started to insult him. They argued and Dad collapsed."

""You let Caleb insult him?" Sandy asked, soaking up the new information.

"Dad has a mind and a mouth of his own. Ryan knows it wasn't his fault. He stayed at the hospital that night after I left to be with Lindsay. This is just awful," Kirsten sighed.

Sandy had to agree. It was awful.

* * *

Ryan didn't know the girl's name but he knew Summer and Marissa did so he followed her into the bedroom and locked the door, making sure they were unseen through the haze of smoke. 

He'd agreed to be third wheel on Seth and Summer's first public outing as a couple sequel to one of Holly's parties.

Summer was drunk of daiquiris and Seth was D.D., holding her hair in the bathroom when Ryan saw them last.

The girl was a tall brunette with 'fuck-me' eyes.

"You'll be discrete, I take it?" she purred, unbuttoning the top button of her tight blouse.

"I don't care about your name, if that counts," he replied, cupping her ass as he nipped at her neck.

"That's what I like to hear," she laughed.

Within minutes, they were both undressed and she stretched out on the bed as he positioned himself above her, kissing her deeply.

He slid his cock into her opening and she moaned in pleasure, lifting her hips and matching his rhythm as she dug her nails into his shoulders.

"You've got skills," she smiled. "Can I drive?"

He held himself inside her as he rolled her over to sit on top of him.

She rode him slowly at first and he began to kiss her breasts as she increased her pace.

She leaned forward suddenly and he continued to thrust up into her as she squeezed his arm. "Okay," she moaned. "I'm ready, get me off…"

He grabbed her ass and began thrusting into her more forcefully, filling the condom as she collapsed against him from her own release.

She sighed. "Good job, rookie."

Someone tried to open the door, jiggling the knob.

"Thanks," Ryan said, kissing her cheek. "We better get back to the party."

"Good idea."

They got dressed quickly and straightened the bed as best they could.

"Want to share a cigarette later?" the girl asked him by the door.

"If I'm around," Ryan shrugged.

"I'll keep my eyes open," she grinned, kissing him quickly before opening the door.

"There you are," Seth startled him as soon as he stepped into the hallway. "We've been looking for you."

"Here I am," Ryan replied.

Seth stared at him, curiously. "Did you just…did you just have sex?"

"What?" Ryan glanced at his clothes to try and find whatever tipped him off.

"You…oh god, you did. Dude, who was she?"

Ryan shrugged. "I don't know. But she was hot. And I used a condom and I'm not drinking or smoking so you have nothing to be all twitchy about. Where's Summer?"

"Playing Jenga with Marissa. Not a very good game, they can't seem to get the game set up so they can start," Seth replied. "And you don't know?"

"I don't know, Seth. Drop it," Ryan hissed, leading Seth back into the living room.


	3. 3

_AN: Slight tweaking of the end of the chapter thanks to Elzed. Apparently, the glass in car windows doesn't shatter. Thanks for looking out for me, girl!_

_"…my stomach hurts again tonight she says:  
and crashes on her floor-  
cuts what she can't untie  
ties it to a door…  
if mercy was a cattle call  
she didn't hear-  
she didn't want to play the role  
of the fool again…  
won't be fooled again …"  
__-7 Mary 3_

"I got an email from Lindsay today," Kirsten told Sandy when he joined her in the kitchen Sunday morning.

"Really?"

"She apologized for not calling me to tell me the news. Poor girl, she's having a rough time. But she says that Chicago's nice and that she's forgiven her mother. But she doesn't want anything to do with our dad," Kirsten replied, sitting down and accepting the coffee cup he passed her way.

She had been hurt to find out that Lindsay had left without telling her, but after reading the girl's heartfelt email, she couldn't blame her. The girl was a mess, upset about her father and her mother's lies, upset about the way she left Ryan simply because she couldn't deal with all the tension and stress. Upset because the only choices she had were to move in with her recently revealed father or move across the country with her mother.

Kirsten was relieved that Lindsay still wanted her to be her sister. They were friends and Kirsten had made sure to reply back immediately to reassure her that she still wanted to be a part of her life.

"You think she'll be okay?"

"How's Ryan?" she countered. "He was really quiet at dinner last night."

Sandy turned to gaze out of the window at the poolhouse. "I noticed. But he went out last night with Seth so he can't be that upset. He's not brooding around the poolhouse like he did with the whole Oliver fiasco."

"Sandy, you grounded him then. He wasn't allowed to go anywhere. Just because he's still going out doesn't mean that he's okay. I mean, when has Ryan ever been unattached since we've known him? He started a relationship with Marissa almost immediately after coming here and then there was Teresa…he started dating Lindsay right as school started…"

"Kirsten. You've given this a lot of thought," Sandy said, stopping her rant.

"I have. You haven't been around lately and the boys never talk to me…I'm worried that he's more upset than any of us know. Lindsay even said so in her email. She says that he's…that he's cold to her, Sandy. And Ryan's never cold…not to people that he cares about," Kirsten replied.

"I'll talk to him," Sandy promised.

"Maybe I should talk to him," she considered aloud.

"That might actually be better. He got pretty defensive when I mentioned Lindsay yesterday. And everything he said was true, I didn't spend much time with her. It was a mistake. She's your sister and she was his girlfriend and I didn't take the time to get to know her. Since you spent time with them, he might talk more to you than he did to me."

"You think it's too early to wake him?" she asked, glancing at her watch.

"What, noon? No, Kirsten. I'll start making lunch. Or breakfast. Something. I'm hungry," Sandy smiled.

"Okay. Wish me luck."

She'd accepted Ryan into her family but she had to admit that she still left most of Ryan's parenting up to Sandy. Not because she didn't love him, but because Sandy understood him more. Sandy had connected to Ryan the first time he met him, but Kirsten had to develop a bond. Ryan's father hadn't been around for years so he'd easily accepted Sandy as his father figure, but Ryan's mother had only been gone a few days when Kirsten was introduced. She could take care of the boy, but she couldn't take Dawn's place.

She knocked and waited for a response but there was nothing. She tentatively pushed open the door and peered into the room.

The poolhouse was usually spotless when she came in. Everything was usually in it's place.

Not today, Ryan's laundry was piled by the bathroom door, his sheets were stripped off the bed and there was a stack of books and papers spread across the floor in front of the closet.

"Ryan?" she called, thinking the worst. He was gone, he had run away, he had left them again…

"Yeah?" He stuck his head out of the bathroom.

She flushed as all the color that had drained out of her skin returned with relief.

"I didn't hear you come in. Sorry about the mess…" Ryan said, walking out in a pair of jeans and wife-beater. His face was still bruised from the fight on Friday.

"What's happening in here?" she motioned to the mess.

"I was looking for something," he said. "I'll clean it up…"

"Can we talk first?" Kirsten said. She tried to ignore the flash of worry on his face before he nodded and sat down on his bare mattress.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, sweetie. I'm worried about you. Why didn't you tell us about Lindsay?"

"Oh. I should've told you as soon as I found out but she said that she was going to tell you herself. I thought that it should come from her instead of me," Ryan replied.

"No, honey, that's not why I'm here. I'm not upset because you didn't tell me, I'm upset because I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine. See?" he smiled slightly. "Nothing to worry about. I'm not brooding, I'm not going to do anything stupid or anything. I'm fine."

"You shouldn't be fine. Lindsay left you. She moved to Chicago. You aren't fine," Kirsten said, startled by Ryan's flippant attitude.

"I have to be. Some things are out of our control. She had to do what was best for her. I have to move on, too," Ryan stated flatly.

"What's wrong with you? You…you know you're acting strange, right?" Kirsten asked after a pause.

"Strange?" Ryan replied, raising an eyebrow. "I don't think I'm acting strange. Trashed room aside...how, exactly, am I supposed to be acting? I mean, if you have some kind of guidebook, I'd love to see it."

Kirsten was startled.

"I'm sorry. I am a little…off. I'm sorry," he said immediately, his face falling in apology.

"What's going on with you?" she asked after a pause, studying him.

"I promise I'm fine."

"You promise," Kirsten repeated.

"I promise."

"I'd like to think we got a little closer with all the time you spent with Lindsay. If you want to talk…"

"I know you're around," he nodded immediately.

"Can I ask what you were looking for?" she questioned, standing up. It was clear that he wasn't ready to talk to her.

"Library book," he replied.

She knew as soon as the words rolled off his tongue that he was lying. And that no matter what Sandy and Seth thought, he was good at it. His eyes didn't give away anything. It was like someone else was wearing Ryan's skin.

"Okay. Do you want me to check inside?"

"No thanks. I think I know where it is. It's not overdue yet, I was just looking for it," he said.

"Are you having lunch with us?"

"I have other plans, but I should be home for dinner," Ryan replied.

"Okay." Kirsten left the poolhouse feeling more worried that when she'd walked in. But there was nothing she could do, no visible signs of drama, just a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

* * *

Alex opened the door to her apartment and was surprised to hear Marissa's laughter.

"You know, you're a lot more fun now that we're not dating," Marissa was saying when she reached the living room.

"Whatever," Ryan snorted.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"Chatting," Marissa grinned, accepting her girlfriend's kiss.

"God, don't do that in front of me…I'll be in the kitchen," Ryan scolded, standing up and going into the other room.

"Having fun with the ex?" Alex asked, tasting the familiar alcohol on her girlfriend's breath.

"Well, I figured if you can hang out with him then so can I. Jealous?" Marissa teased.

"Depends. What have you guys been doing?"

"Drinking a little. Smoking a little of your primo pot. Watching TV," Marissa shrugged.

"We get three channels. And two of them are in Spanish."

"Ryan knows Spanish," Marissa replied, offering Alex her screwdriver.

"So, we're partying this early?" Alex asked, gulping down the strong drink.

Marissa shrugged. "Not really partying, just relaxing. Stupid school tomorrow. You're so lucky that you don't have to go. My mom won't let me quit. Says she's paid too much to Harbor to let me quit. Like she has more than a G.E.D. in her background," she hissed.

"I hate to say it, but I agree with her. You should graduate if you can, Marissa. Enjoy being a kid as long as you can 'cause life on your own is tough. I mean, rent's due next week. And I haven't seen you working," Alex reminded.

"Here," Marissa said immediately, pulling a crumpled envelope out of her pocket. "My dad sent me money. It should cover this month's rent and I'll make sure and have the electrical and water money by next week."

"Thanks," Alex said, visibly surprised.

Ryan returned to the living room. "Okay. Are you guys done being hot?"

Marissa glanced at Alex mischievously and they immediately started making out.

"That's it. I'll see you guys later, I have to be home for dinner," Ryan sighed.

"Oh, come on, we're just teasing," Alex laughed.

"I know. Anything to get you guys to make out," Ryan smirked. "But I really do have to get home. I'll see you guys later," he said, leaving hurriedly.

"He's really acting strange. But I can't help but have fun with him. He doesn't even seem sad about Lindsay," Marissa said.

"Lindsay? Did they break up?"

"And then some. She moved to Chicago. That's when he started…that's when he turned into that guy," Marissa motioned toward the door that Ryan had just walked through.

"Oh. Oh, it all makes sense. Why you and Seth are so worried about him…he hasn't mentioned it."

"I know. I tried to bring her up today and he shut me down. But I'm sure he'll be okay," Marissa said.

"You don't sound convinced."

"Well, as much as I'm all about avoidance and the drinking of the alcohol…I still can't get used to him doing the same thing. I wonder…you think I should talk to Seth?"

"I think Seth knows all about it," Alex replied.

"Well, if Seth's not worried, then I'm not worried. Now, weren't we doing something?"

"Oh yeah," Alex grinned, leaning over and kissing her.

* * *

Ryan disappeared right after dinner with the folks. Seth couldn't shake the night before out of his mind though. Or his conversation with Summer this morning.

_"Ryan's fucking randoms now? What's up with that? Cohen, you should do something about it," Summer had told him when he confessed about Ryan's rendezvous the night before. _

_"What am I supposed to do?"_

_"I don't know. Talk to him?"_

_"He's not talking to me."_

_"Then do something more drastic."_

_"You think I should tell my parents."_

_"I think you should do what you think he'd do for you. Are you really worried about him?"_

_"Yeah, I am," Seth confessed. _

_"Then tell your dad," Summer replied. _

Seth had always trusted his dad. Especially after his dad had let him stay in Portland after coming up to get him. His dad…fuck, his dad was cool. Even with his recent absentia from the house, Seth still trusted him. And his dad would know what to do.

He was satisfied with his decision and got up from his desk and made his way down the stairs to the den.

"Hey, Seth. You're still here? We figured you'd gone with Ryan," Kirsten said, standing in the kitchen with a large chocolate chip cookie in her hand. She glanced between him and the cookie, guilty.

"Don't worry, I won't tell Julie you're cheating on your diet, Mom," Seth smirked. "Is Dad around?"

"Yeah, out by the pool," she replied. He patted her on the back as he walked by and when he turned to close the door to the house as he stepped out, he saw her taking a huge bite of the cookie.

He found his father sitting by the pool drinking a beer and flipping through a surfing magazine. "Hey, Seth. What's going on?"

"Can I talk to you? Like…man to man?" Seth asked.

"Sure," his father replied immediately, putting the magazine down and sitting up as Seth pulled his chair up beside him.

"Well…it's about Ryan."

"Oh. What about him?"

It had seemed like a good idea a few minutes before but Seth was having second thoughts now. No matter how cool of a dad his dad was, he was still a dad. Seth was betraying Ryan by talking to him…

"Seth, is he okay?" his dad asked quietly. "You can tell me…"

"I…well, he's been acting a little strange. Out of character."

Sandy nodded. "I've noticed. Your mother and I are worried about him, too. Is there something we should know?"

"I don't want to get him into trouble…" Seth admitted aloud. "But I think if I don't say anything that he's going to get into trouble…like outside of you and mom."

"Okay, Seth. Tell me," Sandy urged.

Seth sighed. "Can this be off the record?"

"Lawyer-wise or parent-wise?" he asked after a beat.

"Both?" Seth questioned.

"I'll do my best."

"He's drinking now. Not, like, all the time, but the point is that he never used to drink, not like this. He's never drank more than a beer or two since I've known him. But a couple of nights ago, I got worried about him and I found him in a bar. Wasted. And he doesn't get wasted like normal people, dad, if I hadn't watched him pay his tab I wouldn't have even known how much he'd drank. He was steady on his feet. So, I tried to talk to him and he promised that he wouldn't do it again, that it was just a momentary lapse, but…"

Sandy was listening as his words ran out. "He was at a bar?"

"Yeah. And…he's been hanging out with Alex. And Alex is a great girl, she's great, but…she parties. She took him to a party on Friday and…"

"I saw him when he got back, he wasn't drunk, Seth…"

"But he didn't tell me he was going. He cut school one day and spent all day with her." Seth hesitated. "Off the record…"

"Off the record, what?" Sandy pressed.

"Ryan doesn't smoke weed. He's always turned it down. But he smoked with Alex."

Sandy sighed.

"Dad, you used to smoke, you know how it's not that big of a deal, it's just the fact that he used to be totally against it and now…"

"I get it, Seth. It's out of character. I get it," his dad said quietly.

"And…just to clarify something that's totally none of your business but since none of this is your business, I feel like I should tell you…the only girl Ryan slept with in Newport was Teresa. He's been painfully celibate for months now and last night…to quote Summer, he's fucking randoms. He didn't even know the girl's name, Dad," Seth whispered.

His dad sighed heavily.

"What do I do? He won't talk to me…he acts like he's talking to me, but he's just placating me, he's not…he's not himself."

"I'm getting that. Thank you for telling me, Seth."

"Are you going to ground him? Rat me out for telling you?"

"No, Seth. But I am going looking for the kid. I think Lindsay leaving must have bothered him more than any of us knew." His dad looked him in the eyes deeply. "Thank you for telling me."

"I know I broke the brotherly code…"

"He won't know it came from you. I promise. I'll…it's all off the record, Seth. I want you to come to me with things like this…I want my boys to be okay. You included. I'm sorry that I've been so out of touch lately, but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. And neither is Ryan. We won't let him." Sandy stood up.

"Thanks, Dad," Seth said. But he knew that he'd broken the code. He'd be lucky if Ryan ever spoke to him again. He knew that Ryan would know that the information had come from him if his dad showed up. But if it helped Ryan stop sinking deeper into whatever he was sinking into, then it would have to be worth it.

* * *

Sandy searched the dingy bar with his eyes for his kid. Ryan was his kid now, had been since he came back from Chino the second time. He didn't know if Ryan had realized it or not, but he was about to feel the wrath of a parent.

Sandy hadn't had to discipline Ryan much, he'd realized on the drive around town looking for the bike. Ryan was self-reliant, he took care of himself and despite his occasional lapses in judgment like Oliver Trask and a trip to see his brother at Thanksgiving, he usually made good decisions. Mature decisions.

And Sandy knew that a little drinking and smoking pot and casual sex was a part of growing up, more now than ever.

But Seth was right. It was out of character for Ryan. Way out of character. Off the charts.

It wasn't like Ryan hadn't changed since he'd come back from Chino, he had. Drastically. He'd been happy and optimistic and dedicated to making his life in Newport a good one.

But this was different.

He spotted Ryan's blond mop across the bar. A woman's arm was draped lazily around his waist and she was sucking on his earlobe. Ryan's hands were placed comfortably on her ass.

Sandy walked up to the bar and waved to the bartender.

"What can I get you?"

"I just have a question. That guy, there, did you card him?" Sandy asked.

"Nah, he's fine, been here the past few days. Kickass at pool…why?" the younger man asked.

"Because he's seventeen. He's my son. If I find out you're serving him again…"

"Seventeen?" The man flushed. "I…I had no idea…"

"He looks older than he is," Sandy said.

"I'm sorry, sir…"

Sandy waved his hand at the guy and continued across the room.

"Ryan."

Ryan's face flashed with surprise and he immediately let go of the woman.

"It's time to go. Come on," Sandy said.

"What are you, his dad or something?" the woman snapped.

"Actually, yes. He's seventeen," Sandy stated.

"Seventeen?" the woman gasped, visibly startled.

"Okay, Sandy," Ryan said quietly, not meeting his gaze.

The woman retreated gracelessly as Sandy wrapped his hand around Ryan's wrist and led him into the parking lot.

"Get your bike," Sandy ordered, nodding toward the bench.

"Is that how you found me? My bike? Or did Seth tell you?" Ryan asked, his posture defiant now that they were in the privacy of the parking lot.

"I knew something was off about you, Ryan, so I decided to check on you. You weren't home, you weren't with Seth, you weren't with your new friend Alex, so I took a chance…"

"Bullshit," Ryan whispered, not moving. He held Sandy's gaze with a cold stare. Sandy turned and unlocked the car before turning around to face him again.

"What exactly were you doing in there?" Sandy asked.

"Having a good time…but it seems that's not allowed," Ryan replied.

"Ryan. You're seventeen. You shouldn't be drinking and hanging out in bars, you know better."

"Maybe I don't want to know better," Ryan muttered.

"What are you doing, Ryan? Why are you acting like this?" Sandy asked quietly.

"What exactly am I acting like, Sandy? Like a normal fucking teenager? Like a juvenile delinquent?" Ryan snapped.

Sandy had never seen Ryan so fiercely defiant, so insubordinate. Especially toward him. Ryan's eyes were empty and dark. Out of character. He was so damned angry and Sandy was going to have to defuse the teenager before he was going to be able to find out the root of the problem.

"Ryan. Just calm down. We can talk when we get home…" Sandy said, keeping his voice level.

"Talk. It's always about talking with you guys…"

"You need to change your tone, kid, you're in enough trouble as it is," Sandy snapped despite himself. Even Seth wouldn't be allowed to talk back to him the way Ryan was.

"Trouble. Drinking at a bar equals trouble," Ryan snapped. "Shit, in Chino, my mom would probably be right beside me making me pay for her drinks. At least I'm not driving, at least I'm not hopped up on drugs and endangering people's lives…"

"Ryan, you have got to be kidding me…you think this is okay? That this is natural?"

"It was in Chino…nothing's fucking natural here," Ryan replied.

"Kid, I don't know what's going on with you right now…" Sandy started.

"You never know what's going on with me, you did your good deed bringing me home the first time, I came to you the second time, I showed up on _your_ doorstep, so you don't have to pull this parental bullshit anymore, you've done your job. Just leave me alone, Sandy," Ryan said, turning to leave.

"Do not walk away from me," Sandy said, reaching out and grabbing Ryan by the shoulder.

It seemed like an automatic response, Ryan's fist drawing back as he pivoted around. Sandy reacted automatically, too, moving to the side so Ryan's fist went past him. It took a matter of seconds to transpire but he knew that everything was going to change.

The denting of the metal seemed to bring them both back to reality. Ryan's fist was embedded in the car and Sandy could tell that he'd hit it with all his strength because the force had broken the skin and blood was trickling down the car.

Ryan's face wasn't angry now, more like stricken. Scared. His face had paled to an ashen color and his eyes were dark with regret. He pulled his hand back as if the car was burning him.

"Ryan…"

"I'm sorry. Oh shit, I'm so sorry, Sandy…" Ryan whispered, holding his damaged hand at his side.

"Come on, we need to get that hand looked at," Sandy said, taking a step toward him.

"No. I'm sorry…"

Sandy watched as Ryan took off across the parking lot, running into the darkness.


	4. 4

God, he was really losing it. He'd taken a swing at Sandy. Sandy!

He was losing his mind. He had everything, a caring home, a chance at college, real friends that cared about him, and what the hell did he do? Take a swing at the only man that had ever believed in him. Drinking and doing drugs when he knew first-hand that nothing good came out of it. Fucking random girls when he knew that casual sex only brought heartache and loneliness.

He was so fucking stupid. And drunk. Stupid drunk.

He didn't need to wait around to explain himself, he had to get away from Sandy.

Sandy Cohen was a good man.

And Ryan tried to punch his face in.

He glanced down at his swelling hand in the glow of the streetlights. He'd felt something crack when he'd connected with the metal.

But he'd earned the pain.

He was like a dog, biting the hand that fed him. He really was an ungrateful little punk, just like his mom had always told him. No wonder she left him. She'd put up with him sixteen years and it had only taken a couple of years for him to start poisoning the Cohens, too.

He stopped walking and leaned against the wall. He glanced around him before sliding down to sit on the sidewalk. He didn't know where he was. He'd ran for several blocks at least before slowing down. His head was still spinning.

God, he'd really fucking done it now. He'd tried to hit Sandy.

He couldn't even process it.

Trey would be fucking proud. He'd finally inherited the Atwood gene for fucking up beyond all repair.

He couldn't fix this. He couldn't go back to his happy, complacent life with the Cohens. His great life with the Cohens.

It was over now. He'd tried to hit Sandy.

And even afterwards, Sandy had wanted to take him to a doctor to take care of his hand. Sandy hadn't even been upset, he'd been worried.

Ryan fucked up. He was fucked up. He was fucked up beyond repair.

* * *

"Sandy, where have you been?" She'd been waiting for him to come home for hours. 

"Is Ryan home?" Sandy asked, not looking at her.

"No, Sandy…"

Sandy walked past her up the stairs to Seth's room. She followed him. He knocked on the door and turned to her when Seth opened the door.

"Ryan's taken off. We need to find him. Now. I don't know what he's thinking or what he's going to do and we have to find him. I'm not going to lose him over this bullshit…" he started.

"Wait. Dad, what are you talking about?" Seth asked. "You were supposed to be cool about it, just talk to him and now you're telling me that he took off?"

"I found him and I tried to talk to him…but he's so defensive, so angry and…he took off," Sandy said.

"What aren't you telling us?" she asked after a beat. It wasn't like him to keep stuff from her. And she needed to know what happened.

"He…he took a swing at me. Dented the beamer. He probably broke his hand because he put a hell of a dent in it and…" he started.

"Fuck. I'm going to find him," Seth said, running past them down the stairs.

"I messed up, Kirsten. I wasn't here for him and now…he doesn't trust me, he tried to hit me, doesn't he know that I wouldn't hurt him, that I only want to help him?"

She wrapped her arms around him. "We'll fix it…he won't run away, Sandy, he loves us too much…"

"I don't know, Kirsten…you didn't see him…he's hurting so much and he's so angry…he…what are we going to do?"

She rubbed his back until he finally put his arms around her with a sigh. "We'll find him. He'll be okay…"

"I shouldn't have helped Rebecca…my family, it's falling apart and I didn't even see it…"

"Sandy. We'll take care of him, okay? Let's go, we'll take the beamer and we'll make a couple of laps around town. He can't go far…"

"I have his bike. He's on foot so he can't go far," Sandy said, steadying himself. Kirsten watched as he put what Seth called 'his game face' on.

Sometimes Kirsten thought that Sandy could do anything he put his mind to. And sometimes she knew he could.

* * *

Ryan took a deep breath. His hand was throbbing and sharp pains were shooting up his wrist and arm despite the numbing effect of the alcohol. 

He had reached a crossroads.

He had 500 dollars in his pocket and he could hop a bus. Leave Newport behind. Leave Chino behind.

A fresh start.

Another one.

Totally on his own with no one to worry about, no one to disappoint.

Or he could turn around and go back to the Cohens.

Seth and Kirsten.

Sandy.

Would Sandy forgive him?

Could he forgive himself?

He had to do something. Things had gotten out of control. Again. It seemed that things always got out of control before he even knew that they were spinning.

He started walking.

Fuck Chino.

Fuck what he'd learned there.

He'd accomplished more in Newport than all the earlier years in his life.

He'd beg for forgiveness.

He'd suffer whatever consequences he had to.

He'd never forgive himself for hurting the Cohens when they'd been so good to him. He couldn't just walk away.

Ryan's father had taught him to run. The bastard wouldn't be in jail now if he hadn't ran from the police. And Trey, well, that was how Ryan ended up here.

He'd learned from the Cohens to stay. He hadn't run from Teresa, he hadn't run from Oliver, or his probation. He had to stay.

If Sandy wanted him to leave, he'd go. But he had to at least stay to face the consequences. Say goodbye.

The house was empty when he got inside. It was after 2 am. All the lights on. No cars in the driveway.

They were looking for him.

He picked up the phone with his good hand and set it flat against the counter so he could dial.

"Seth? Did you find him?" Sandy answered immediately.

"It's me."

"Ryan? You're at the house?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Stay there, we'll be home soon, okay? Just…just stay, Ryan."

He hung up the phone and sat down on the stool to wait.

Crossroads.

* * *

Sandy walked into the kitchen alone, Kirsten having accepted his need to talk to Ryan alone. 

Ryan was sitting on the stool in the kitchen, both hands on the counter, like he was in juvie and needed to keep his hands in plain sight. His right hand was swollen and trembling and when he raised his eyes to meet Sandy's, they were dull with guilt.

Sandy wasn't angry.

He was worried.

He knew he should be angry. His kid was drinking, getting high, having sex and he'd attacked him.

But it was Ryan. Ryan wasn't a normal kid. Ryan wouldn't act like that if something wasn't wrong. Ryan knew what it was like to have responsibilities, to take responsibility, to be a man.

"Can I see your hand?" he asked.

Ryan stiffly moved his hand toward Sandy, the pain evident on his face.

"It's broken," Ryan said quietly.

"Will you let me take you to the hospital?"

"It can wait," he replied.

"We can talk on the way. We have lots of time to talk."

"I'll leave if you ask me to," Ryan whispered.

"I will never ask you to leave," Sandy replied, honestly. "Come on."

Sandy waited for Ryan to take the lead. He needed to talk to him but the kid's health came first.

He opened the passenger door for him and Ryan climbed in, waiting patiently for him to get in the driver's seat.

Sandy drove in silence for several minutes and was surprised when Ryan's voice started.

"I'm sorry. I'm not thinking straight. I…I'm just so frustrated and I'm sorry…"

"Ryan. It's okay…"

"It's not okay. Nothing is okay…"

Sandy glanced at him but Ryan's face was blank. His eyes were the only window to the pure emotion in his voice. "Kid, it's okay. You…you're having a rough time, but I'm here for you…"

"I tried to hit you…"

"I know and we'll have to deal with that, but it doesn't change the fact that you're a part of my family and I'm not giving up on you. We've come too far. Did you really think I'd ask you to leave?"

"I tried to hit you."

"I know. You're so angry, Ryan, and I…why are you so angry?" Sandy asked.

Ryan shuddered suddenly, covering his face with his good hand. "It all seems so stupid now. I was just trying to cut loose…expel some stress, you know? It seems like everything I do is for other people, I never really get to do anything that's fun for me…" He paused, clearly struggling with his voice. "I go to the comic book store with Seth, I went to the Science Olympics with Lindsay, I go to the farmer's market with Kirsten…it's like, I don't even know who I am anymore because I've been so busy trying to be somebody else…"

"So, drinking, having sex, this is you?" Sandy questioned, wanting to keep him talking.

"I don't know, Sandy, that's just it…I don't know. It was me in Chino. I was a faded version of Trey…I followed his lead…"

"That's how you got arrested, following his lead…" Sandy added quietly.

"I know. I…I can't believe I tried to hit you…I don't know what's wrong with me…"

Sandy parked his car in the lot outside the emergency room and turned to face him. "I know I haven't been around much lately and I can't tell you how sorry about that I am…but you have to talk to me, and if not to me, you have to talk to someone. You can't shut us out, okay?"

Ryan nodded.

"Let's go get your hand taken care of. We'll call Dr. Kim in the morning and let her know you won't be in…"

"I shouldn't miss school…" Ryan said, following him toward the E.R.

"You haven't missed a day since you started, kid, I think your grades can take it," Sandy replied, patting him on the back. He was pleased that Ryan didn't flinch. He kept his hand on his back. Slowly but surely he would get the kid he knew back.

* * *

"If you're waiting up, then I'm waiting up," Seth said, settling onto the couch with his mother. 

He was coming down off his panicked adrenaline rush and had started a pot of coffee in the kitchen to keep himself going.

Ryan had seriously flipped out. He'd tried to hit his dad. And Seth knew Ryan would never do that if he was in his right mind.

"Seth, I'm sure Ryan's fine. He didn't take off, he came home after he cooled off," his mother said softly.

"I know. Ryan…he's my best friend. He's the only brother I've ever had, I just wish I knew how to help him."

"I'm sure you do help him, Seth…"

"I talk to him, Mom, but he doesn't…he doesn't talk."

Kirsten sighed. "I know. He's different. He doesn't communicate like we do. With words. When something's bothering him, I think it hurts him more to talk about it…but it doesn't help him either."

"I wonder who he talked to in Chino," Seth said aloud.

"Teresa, probably," his mother replied, thoughtful.

"He never talked to Marissa…"

"I think he talked to Lindsay. That's probably one of the reasons it hit him so hard when she left," Kirsten replied.

"Why can't he talk to me?"

"Do you give him time?" she teased.

"Yeah. I always ask about his day, his life, everything, but he never tells me anything…"

"Seth, you should probably take that up with him. I think he talks more to you than anyone else. So if you don't think he's talking to you, then…he's not talking to anyone. I don't think you should take it personally. Why are you so worried about him?"

He turned to his mother and realized that his dad had kept his confidence. She didn't know about his earlier confession to his dad.

"I…something's going on with him. I…"

"Right. Can't break the code. Do I smell coffee?"

"Must be done. Let's get caffeinated and maybe Dad will call," Seth said, standing up.

* * *

"Hang tight, kid, we're almost out of here," Sandy was saying. 

Ryan closed his eyes as the nurse slid the needle into his arm. They'd put a cast on his hand, he had three broken fingers and two broken bones in his hand. Sandy kept reassuring him that it would cost less to fix his hand than it would to fix the dent in the beamer, but it didn't make him feel any better.

He felt dirty. Disgusting. He felt like he was taking advantage of Sandy.

Why couldn't Sandy get mad like normal people? Ryan would feel tons better if Sandy had simply reciprocated and punched him or something, at least then he'd be punished.

The Cohens' idea of punishment was a grounding and taking away of privileges. Living in Newport, in their house, that was privilege enough.

Ryan couldn't handle forgiveness. Unconditional love. They were both foreign concepts as far as he was concerned. Sure, he knew that they existed, he'd used both of them for his own family, but no one had ever reciprocated. And if they tried, he couldn't handle it, especially from the Cohens when he'd done so much to sabotage their charity.

Charity.

"Ryan? She's all done and I'm finished with your paperwork. Are you ready to go home?" Sandy's voice was gentle.

He nodded. But he wasn't being honest. He wasn't ready to go home. He didn't deserve to go home. Not with Sandy.

"Kid, come on. You've had a long day. Let's get you home to bed. The lectures can wait until tomorrow. Okay?"

He nodded again and opened his eyes. Sandy was looking at him with worry behind his eyes. Concern.

But it only made Ryan feel worse.


	5. 5

_AN: Not sure where this came from since this was supposed to be the final chapter. Oh well. It's not. Hope you'll read anyway. It will be finished eventually. Promise._

* * *

"…_If you can stand yourself and sleep tonight  
Let them peel you like an orange  
taste your shivering insides…"  
__7 Mary 3_

Ryan jolted awake as Sandy shifted the BMW into park.

"We're home, kid."

Ryan didn't move. The other shoe had yet to drop.

"We'll talk in the morning, Ryan."

"So…you want me to just walk back in there and pretend like nothing happened?" Ryan asked, keeping his eyes lowered.

"You're going to be wearing a cast for eight weeks…and I can see that you're sorry and honestly, I'm more worried about you than angry…"

Ryan shook his head. "You should be angry…"

"Were you really trying to hit me, Ryan? Did you consciously pull back your fist and see my face as the target?"

Ryan didn't reply. He hadn't been thinking. He had been too angry.

"Or did you react instinctively because you were so pissed off that you'd do anything to escape?" Sandy didn't wait for a response, sighing heavily. "Kid, we've worked hard at this. You've worked hard and I am so proud of you…but…what happened to get us here?"

Ryan didn't know. He didn't know the answer and he didn't know what to say. He didn't know anything.

"You have to talk to me," he said.

He nodded but he couldn't process anything to say.

"Let's go inside. We'll have time tomorrow to talk, you need to rest."

Ryan followed Sandy inside, numb. His hand hurt but not as much as the familiar feeling in his gut. Failure. Due only to his own stupidity. It was almost like a cramp that would get worse the more he thought about how much he'd fucked up. He'd fucked up with Lindsay. He'd fucked up with Sandy. He'd fucked up everything. Again.

"Dude, you okay?" Seth asked quietly, standing beside Kirsten in the doorway.

Ryan nodded but Seth didn't buy it, watching him, unconvinced.

"It's late. Seth, you have school tomorrow," Sandy started.

Kirsten muttered, "He can miss one day, Sandy, relax…" She stepped forward and embraced him.

He was stiff. It was surreal. She was hugging him after all he'd done.

"Are you mad at me, too?" she whispered.

"No…I'm not mad…"

"You'll stay in the guest room tonight. No more running off," she said. He glanced at Sandy.

"Go ahead," Sandy nodded.

Seth followed him down the hall to the bedroom across from the master bedroom.

"I'm sorry, Seth," Ryan sighed once they were alone.

"You sure you're okay?"

"I…I'm okay. Busted my hand on the Beamer," Ryan replied. He couldn't talk to Seth right now. He couldn't.

"Well, that car's been asking for it…but…"

"Seth. Tomorrow?"

"Sure," Seth agreed. "Get some rest. You look like hell."

Better than he felt. He knew he wouldn't get any rest tonight.

* * *

Sandy woke up after sleeping for only a few hours. It was almost nine and he made sure not to disturb Kirsten as he pulled on his robe and stepped into the hallway. 

When he pushed open the guestroom's door, he was surprised to see Ryan sitting up on the edge of the made bed.

"You're up early," Sandy said, sitting down on the bed beside him.

The boy was silent for a long moment. "I don't sleep much lately."

Sandy waited. He needed Ryan to talk to him. He'd wait all day.

"When I got back to Teresa's after Portland, to check on her, to get my stuff…it was like deja vu. Empty house. Nothing but dust. My bag was sitting on the porch. No letter this time, but at least she left my stuff," Ryan said suddenly. "Gone. And…no one even mentioned it. It was like Teresa and the baby never existed. I wasn't supposed to mourn, I mean, everyone keeps saying I dodged a bullet, so I wasn't supposed to care about the baby dying."

"Ryan…" Sandy started.

"That's not what this is about, though…I don't know what this is about. My mistakes, I guess. I mean, my Mom and then Teresa and now Lindsay…I mean…I am so tired of losing people…it's just not worth it…" Ryan hesitated. His casted hand was shaking on his lap.

"Ryan, I am so sorry…"

"Don't," Ryan said, shaking his head. ""I'm tired, Sandy. Of pretending. No matter what I do, how hard I try, I'm never enough and I'm tired of pretending that I am. I did everything my mother ever asked me to do…I moved back to Chino for Teresa, I gave up everything for her…and Lindsay…I'm tired, Sandy."

"You have us, Ryan. Me and Seth, Kirsten…"

"But I'm not a Cohen, Sandy. I'm not your family," Ryan sighed. "I'm tired of pretending that I'm something I'm not. I don't belong here."

"Yes, you do," Sandy said.

"I can't keep doing this. Turning it on and off, smiling at people who can barely keep themselves from spitting on me, doing my best work and having the teachers deduct points because of the kind of folder I use, I'm too tired. I was up all night and the only thing I can figure out is that I don't belong here."

"Ryan…you are a part of this family. You have your whole future ahead of you, college and…"

But Ryan shook his head. "You don't get it. I'm not worth your charity."

"It's not charity, it's never been charity…" Sandy protested.

"You knew me a total of ten minutes and you decided that you could help me. You've paid for me to go to school, fed me, gave me shelter because you thought I needed it. You felt sorry for me, for my shitty life, how is this not charity, Sandy?"

"That was then. You're a part of this family now…"

Ryan shook his head. "I don't fit."

"When you left last summer, we fell apart…Seth needs you here, I need you here…"

"You need me here because I keep Seth happy. The only time you came to visit me this summer was when you wanted me to go to Portland to get him. I will never be a member of your family, Sandy. I'm sorry. It's just another place I don't fit."

Sandy was speechless.

"I think you should reconsider being my guardian. My probation's over in a couple of weeks and…"

"No. I'm not reconsidering anything. You are not thinking straight…" Sandy protested, realizing where this was going.

"You can't make me something I'm not, Sandy. And I'm tired of trying. I…I love you guys, I appreciate everything that you're doing for me…but I'm only going to hurt you. I tried to hit you last night. I…I don't want to hurt you or your family…"

"You didn't hit me…"

"Because you moved. I would have hurt you, Sandy. There's no excuse for my behavior, I don't have an excuse…" Ryan's flood of words stopped. His blue eyes were dark with emotion. "I ruin everything I touch. Look how much you've done for me, look how much I took for granted when I took that swing?"

Sandy took him by the shoulders but Ryan wouldn't look in his eyes. "You deserve everything and more…you're too smart, you've come to far to give up on us now…"

"I'm not giving up on _you_, Sandy," Ryan said quietly.

Sandy was speechless. He had no idea, no inkling that Ryan was this unhappy. He'd promised Ryan a father and given him a landlord. This was his fault. He stared at Ryan's trembling hand and tried to think of how he could fix this.

"Sandy, I'm sorry."

"Are you in pain?" Sandy asked finally.

"It's not too bad," Ryan replied but Sandy could tell that he was hurting.

"Have you taken anything today?"

"You didn't give me anything," Ryan murmured. "It's okay. I earned it."

"I'll be right back, Ryan. We…this conversation isn't over. We've both made mistakes but…I'll be right back, Ryan." Sandy needed time to think. He hated walking away from him when he was in such serious emotional turmoil but he needed a moment to figure out how to fix this.

* * *

"Where'd you go? I woke up and you were…" Kirsten found Sandy standing in the kitchen staring at Ryan's prescriptions. "What is it?" 

"Never ask a kid to talk if you're not prepared for what they have to say," Sandy said quietly.

"He's…he's talking to you?" Kirsten asked, surprised. Sandy should be happy that Ryan was opening up…

"He's…he's talking, he's honestly telling me how he feels and…I don't know what to do. He says he doesn't belong, that he doesn't fit, that the only reason he's here is to keep Seth happy…and, honestly, have we ever given him any reason to think otherwise? Oh, Kirsten…"

She took the prescriptions from him and left him in the kitchen, hurrying to the guest room.

Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed when she walked in.

"Meds?" she offered, reconsidering her impulse to try and take over for Sandy.

"Thanks," he said, accepting them in his hand.

"You been up long?" she asked.

"A while. Can I go to the poolhouse and get changed?" he asked, swallowing the pills without waiting for water.

"Can we talk first? Sandy…he seems a little upset."

"He shouldn't be. I'm trying to make it right," Ryan replied.

"How?"

"I think I should leave," he said clearly. "I don't think I belong here anymore. I don't think I ever belonged here. You have opened your home to me and I appreciate it and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to repay you for your kindness, but this is not where I need to be."

"Where do you think you need to be?" she asked, trying to stay calm.

"I'll be eighteen in a couple of months. I can enroll in Newport Union for the fall semester and graduate…"

"College?" she asked quietly.

"College isn't for me. I have enough experience to get a good paying job in construction. It's all I need."

"Ryan…you're too smart to…"

"It's my decision. I have to do what's right for me…"

"And you think this is right. Quitting after you've worked so hard…"

"I'm not letting you or Sandy pay for me to go to college. That's never been my intention…"

"There are scholarships…"

"I've done research, Kirsten. I've made calls. I see the guidance counselor once every two weeks. I'm not going to get a scholarship. Two years of hard work don't equal a free ride," he replied quietly. "I don't care about that. I don't want to spend the next four years of my life with more trust fund kids…"

"Ryan, you're…"

"Not thinking straight. I'm out of my head. If you and Sandy are just going to say the same thing then you should come in together," he sighed. He leaned forward and put his good hand over his face.

"Honey…I can see how much you're hurting…and I know this isn't all because of Lindsay but are you really ready to give all this up?"

He met her gaze. "It's never been mine, Kirsten. I don't have to give up what was never mine."

She was at a loss for words. He was devastated but his mind was made up. She knew now why Sandy was in the kitchen, looking like he'd lost his boys all over again.

"We didn't agree to be your guardians lightly."

"Kirsten…"

"I want you to listen to _me_ now."

He nodded.

"I will not let you give up on yourself. On what you could be," she said, reaching out and touching his arm. She didn't react to his flinch. "You didn't sleep. Your hand's hurting and you're upset and you've been up all night trying to make it stop. You have to rest. You have to trust us."

"None of…this…is about you or Sandy…"

"It's about you, Ryan. A member of my family. It's about all of us. Now, you made a mistake last night, but it was just that, a mistake. I am not going to let you walk away from us. Never again. Whatever is going on with you…we'll work through it."

"It's…"

"You came back, Ryan. Last night. You could've run, you could've disappeared and we'd have never found you. But you came back. Why'd you come back if you were planning on leaving anyway?"

"Because…I don't want to run away. I want you to let me go."

"Well, I'm sorry. I can't do that," she replied.

He didn't say anything and she couldn't read his face.

"Come on," she said finally. "It'll take a few minutes for those pills to kick in. Run out to the poolhouse and get cleaned up. I'll bring you something to eat."

* * *

Seth recognized his parents standing over his bed when he woke up. "What the hell…" 

"Tag. You're it," his mother said.

"What's going on? What if I sleep naked or I had a girl in here? How can you just walk in and…" he started.

"Your door was open, Seth," Sandy interrupted.

Damn. "Oh. So, what's the occasion? You're a little late to tuck me in but the intention is respectable…"

"Can you talk to Ryan?" his dad asked.

And then he remembered. He'd betrayed Ryan and told his father about his 'acting out'. Ryan had tried to punch his dad and taken off. Ryan went to the hospital for a cast on his hand and wouldn't say anything when he got back. He remembered. "What happened? It's like…early."

"He wants to leave…" Sandy started.

"Tell him he can't," Seth said immediately.

"It's not that…" his mom began.

"Simple? Hell yes it is. You're in charge, you're…"

"We're not his parents," Sandy stated.

Seth started to get pissed off now. "I know that. If you were his parents, he'd already be kicked out. You're his guardians, you care about him, you're supposed to protect him and no matter how he acts, he's just a kid. You shouldn't treat him any differently than you treat me…"

"We let you stay in Portland, Seth. We let him stay in Chino…" but his father stopped talking and walked abruptly out of the room.

"Seth, we need you to help us. Ryan's your best friend, he talks to you and I don't know if you've noticed, but we've all been a little out of touch lately…"

"Yeah, I noticed."

"He upset Sandy, Seth. You know how Ryan and Sandy are…they've always been close and somehow, Ryan's got Sandy speechless…Sandy feels guilty about something and I've done all I can…"

"He's not leaving again," Seth said. He would make sure of that. If he had to chain the boy to the wall to make him stay, he'd do it. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Mother, I have to get ready and call in reinforcements."

"Reinforcements?" she asked.

He reached under the covers and revealed his secret weapon.

"Captain Oates? I don't know if that's such a good idea. Ryan's not really in a good mood," she smirked.

"I told you I'd take care of it. Now shoo."

Seth waited until his mother left to get out of bed and pull on his discarded jeans from the night before.

Ryan wanted to leave.

So Seth had to step up. He wouldn't handle this like last time and sit back and pout. He had to talk to Ryan. He'd figure out the problem and they'd fix it together. Like it was meant to me. Like the brothers they'd become.

He was at the poolhouse within minutes. He knocked and swung open the door.

Ryan looked awful. He was pale and had deep, dark circles under his eyes. His hair was wet and he hadn't bothered to comb it and he was holding his cast close against his chest as he sat on the bed.

"Dude…" Seth started.

"Not you, too," Ryan sighed.

"Yes, me too," Seth snapped. "What the hell is wrong with you? You've got my parents worried half to death, telling me that you're trying to leave and you've been acting all crazy like you want them to kick you out and I know that you don't want that…"

"Seth…"

"I'm sorry that I'm so angry, but dammit, Ryan…what the hell is wrong with you?" Seth asked, unable to stop himself.

"You want to know what's wrong with me?" Ryan asked, his demeanor changing instantly from defeat to anger. "You're asking me what's wrong with me?"

Seth's resolve faltered immediately. He had rarely seen Ryan angry and fortunately usually avoided being the focus. "I want to know why you want to leave us. This isn't like you…"

"You don't know me, Seth! You don't know anything about me…about anything…"

"Because you never tell me anything!" They were both yelling now. "I am trying to be your friend!"

"When it's convenient, you're my friend," Ryan said through clenched teeth. "And this isn't about you. This has nothing to do with you."

"It has everything to do with me, man I can't handle you leaving again…"

"Don't try and put that on me. You left last summer because of your own issues. I had nothing to do with it. I cannot take care of you, Seth. I am not your sidekick, your 'man on the streets', your partner in crime. I'm Ryan fucking Atwood, I'm a person and not an extension of you," Ryan fired back.

Seth flushed through his anger. "I know who you are, Ryan…"

"But you don't care. You've never cared, Seth. I'm unhappy and you don't care. You just want me to stay because it makes you happy."

And Seth froze. This Ryan was not the one he knew. This Ryan was angry and hurt and resentful. He couldn't talk to this Ryan. He turned and walked out. The Ryan he knew would come after him, apologizing for raising his voice, apologizing for saying those things.

Seth glanced back once he was at the kitchen entrance and saw the door slam to the poolhouse leaving the blinds banging against the window.


	6. 6

_AN: Thanks for all the awesome reviews and encouragement. Another one finished. _

* * *

It didn't matter what he did, what he said...his brain wasn't cooperating with him, it was moving too fast, it was clogged with conflicting feelings and the only emotion he could fully define was disgust. He was disgusted with himself.

He hadn't cried in years. Not consciously. Teresa had told him once that he cried in his sleep. She was the only girl he'd ever spent the whole night with, besides Marissa on the way to Tijuana and the few hours of sleep then didn't really count in his mind.

He felt the tears trickle down his face. And then he couldn't stop, his breathing picked up as the emotion he'd kept inside for so long took his oxygen and replaced them with sobs.

It was actually kind of peaceful as he let the grief take over his consciousness. His mind stopped spinning and focused on the anguish he felt. The failure. It was everything.

* * *

Sandy stepped into the poolhouse around noon with a plate of food that Rosa had prepared for him. He was relieved to see that the boy was sleeping. 

He settled into the chair at the end of the bed to wait.

He had to fix this. He had to. He owed it to Ryan. He owed it to Kirsten and Seth.

The smell of the food must've drifted to Ryan's nose because his eyelids fluttered suddenly and he stirred. He sat up and regarded Sandy with dull eyes.

"Lunch."

"Thanks," he replied.

Sandy stood up and took the plate to him, relieved when Ryan accepted it and didn't turn it away.

Sandy had had a few hours to mull over Ryan's words. He'd listened to Kirsten's description of her conversation with Ryan and listened to Seth's panicked description of his own encounter. He wasn't speechless anymore. He was ready to talk and he just had to hope that Ryan was ready to listen.

Ryan picked up a chip from the plate and tasted it, chewing methodically.

"You're trying to leave us before we have a chance to leave you," Sandy stated, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Ryan studied him. Even though he'd only slept a few hours, Sandy could see that he had gotten some rest because he was visibly listening. He raised another potato chip to his mouth.

"You said a lot today. And I'm sorry that it startled me so much that I left you alone with your thoughts but I needed to think, too. There are things that I need to say to you."

Ryan nodded indifferently, but Sandy could tell that he was still listening.

"I let you down. I haven't been around much. I didn't push you to talk about this summer, partially because I wanted to give you space and partially because I didn't want to think about what you went through. I didn't come visit you this summer because I didn't think I'd have the strength to leave you there. It hurt when you left. I understand why you had to do it and I respect you more than you'll ever know…but it hurt, Ryan."

"I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault. You had to go and I had to let you go. And I was so damned happy to have you back that I didn't question you. I just accepted that you didn't want to talk about Teresa…"

"I didn't. I still don't," he muttered.

"You're so self-sufficient, Ryan, that we forget sometimes that you're just a kid. You never seem to let anything affect you and I…I take for granted that you feel things just as much as the rest of us…"

"You think I'm indifferent. Apathetic to what happens around me," Ryan said quietly.

"No. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't made more of an effort to see what makes you tick, to see what goes on in your head. Seth, you can see every thought because it comes right out of his mouth as soon as it comes, but you…you've been on eggshells since you got here. You've never trusted your place in this family and I haven't even bothered to call you on it."

"Sandy…"

"I'm dead serious, Ryan. I will not let you walk away from this family. I will not let you walk away from me. Even if you had hit me, even if you'd beat me to a pulp, I'd still know that you didn't mean it because I know that you care about this family. You came back to us, and no matter how much you think you did it for Seth; I know you did it for yourself, too. Aren't you happy here?"

Ryan hesitated.

"Be honest."

"Sometimes. Most of the time. But…everything's so complicated here, it's so fucking hard…at least in Chino if I wanted to blend into the background to catch my breath, it wasn't a big deal…"

"You need to catch your breath. Not blend into the background. Not leave. Not give up. If you need a break…you have to ask for it…" Sandy said quietly.

"I…I don't know what I need…" he admitted.

"Talk to me, Ryan. Please. We will work it out, whatever we have to do…"

"I…" Ryan leaned back against the bed. "I don't know, Sandy…I just don't know. I'm sorry…I needed to cut loose for a while, get outside of my head and not have to think…and I know it was stupid, I know it was risking everything…but if I didn't do something…"

"If you didn't do something, what? What would have happened?"

"I would've exploded or something…had an aneurysm…I hate being out of control of my own life…" Ryan whispered.

"You're so angry…"

"I'm not angry at you, Sandy…not really…none of this is about you, you've given me everything I could ask for and I threw it back in your face…"

"No, you didn't. You're hurting and no one's seen it and you haven't said anything. Now you want to leave without even giving us a chance. Haven't we earned a chance?" Sandy asked, careful to keep his voice level. "You deserve forgiveness and so do we. Let's just forgive each other and try and move on."

"I tried to hit you."

"I remember. But you didn't. You have to remember that. And you have to remember the pain and stress that brought you to that place so you don't end up there again. The thing about mistakes is that you have to learn from them. If you don't learn anything then you're destined to keep making them. We can get past this, Ryan."

Ryan glanced up at him and then back down at his plate.

"Ryan?"

"I'm thinking."

Sandy let the silence fall over them.

* * *

Ryan followed Sandy into the house after he'd finished his dinner. Sandy was right. He'd worked too hard to throw this away. His mother had thrown away sixteen years of family and left him here. And his time here had been more fulfilling than all of those sixteen years. 

He'd earned this family.

He just had to hang onto it. Keep his head. Keep his anger and libido in check.

Kirsten and Seth were sitting on the couch and Sandy went to his office.

Ryan approached them quietly and waited until they looked up at him.

"So, I'm sorry for being such a dick."

Seth and Kirsten both replied, "Don't say 'dick'."

Ryan smiled despite himself. "Sorry. But…yeah. Sorry about all the…drama."

"That's it? That's all we get?" Seth asked quietly.

"Seth," Kirsten whispered.

"I…I lost my head for a little while. This is always going to be strange for me…but I'm willing to keep trying if you guys are willing to give me another chance," Ryan said consciously forcing himself to hold Seth's gaze.

"You don't need another chance. You've still got minutes on your first one," Seth said with a relieved grin, standing up. "But I can't handle much more of your bad boy attitude…it works better in my head than real life."

"It won't happen again. Or at least while I can help it," Ryan said.

"Good. I'll see you tomorrow, I've got some phone calls to make," Seth said, slapping hands with him before trotting away.

"Sit down," Kirsten said.

Ryan sat down beside her. She leaned over and hugged him silently. "I won't lose you again, do you understand?"

He nodded. "I'm sorry…"

"I know you are. I'm sorry, too. We're all going to have to make a little bit more of an effort to communicate with each other. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good." She released him and absently brushed his hair from his eyes.

Sandy appeared. "Ryan, you can go back to the poolhouse if you want. Get some rest."

"Thanks. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

* * *

"Where were you yesterday? I called your house, like, five times," Marissa said when he walked into the class he had with her the next day. It took her a minute to notice his casted hand. "What happened?" 

"I…flipped out a little. It's a long story," Ryan said, taking his seat.

"I have time. Are you okay?"

"I'll get there. I busted my hand, though."

"Hey, if Mr. Jenkins lets you record his lectures, can I get a copy of the tape? My hand cramps up when I take too many notes," Marissa said, sensing that Ryan didn't want to talk about it.

"Of course you can. That's actually a good idea," he said, standing up and started toward the teacher's desk. She put her hand on his arm, stopping him.

"You can talk to me, if you want. You know that, right?"

"I know. But I spent the last forty eight hours talking and I'd really like some down time. Can we just hang and pretend like the past week didn't happen?"

"Sure. We can do that. For forty eight hours, at least," Marissa conceded with a smile. "But I can't make any promises about Alex. She's got some curiosity issues."

"I'm grounded anyway. Be right back," Ryan said, going to talk to the teacher.

She could tell that Ryan had changed yet again. He was back to his controlled, calm state but some of his underlying anger and hurt had dissipated. He wasn't the same guy she'd smoked up with a couple of days earlier. He was back to his old self. At least as far as she could see.

She doubted that she'd ever really know the Real Ryan.

FIN


End file.
